SANTA MONICA, Calif. – SEPTEMBER 15, 2014 – Attention foolish human fools! Activision Publishing, Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Activision Blizzard, Inc. (NASDAQ: ATVI), is officially announcing an all new diabolical gameplay mode in honor of me, Emperor Kaos, the most infamously evil villain in all of Skylands!  In my glorious “Kaos Doom Challenge,” sniveling Portal Masters like you can feebly battle through increasingly difficult waves of my personal minions using your ridiculous army of Skylanders.

And since you obviously won’t stand a chance, I, Kaos, will graciously allow you to build defensive towers and battle my fearsome allies using any of your Skylanders from your entire collection. However, when you bumbling Portal Masters utterly fail to progress past my hoards of evil underlings, the “Mystery Box of Doom” will be opened – which will then incomprehensibly spit out gigantic villains that will completely destroy you! And because I am both benevolent and merciful, I will even let you fools use any of your pitiful Trapped Villains to fight them.

And, should any of you so-called “journalists” need an official quote from me -BEHOLD!  “A recent evil study of a thousand trolls revealed that nine out of ten agree that I am the most powerful and impressive evil doer to have ever conquered Skylands.  Naturally, I had every tenth one banished to my “Kaos Doom Challenge” to test the effectiveness of my 100 waves of ultimate evil doom – and they were never heard from again. So let’s just say EVERYONE agrees – I am the most powerful and impressive evil doer ever.”

And for those of you who absolutely cannot wait for your horribly inevitable destruction, the Skylanders Trap Team Starter Pack will be available on a bunch of seemingly random days in October (October 5th in North America, October 10th in Europe and October 2ndin Australia to be precise) on the following exceptionally awesome platforms: Nintendo’s Wii™ system and Nintendo’s Wii U™ system, a variety of iPad®, Kindle Fire and Android tablets; Xbox One and Xbox 360 games and entertainment systems from Microsoft; PlayStation®4 system; PlayStation®3 system. A different, unique adventure also will be available on the Nintendo 3DS™ hand-held system.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a world to conquer.  I look forward to crushing your spirits. With loathing and disgust.